It's not that difficult to love. »

And I find myself compelled to agree.

Love isn’t as complicated as we make it out to be. It’s the most simple, most elemental, most pure, most beautiful feeling, emotion, thingamajig, whatever you want to call it that beats in our hearts. Unfortunately, it’s also the most intangible sentiment. We can’t quantify it. Your ‘I love you so much’ could be so much less than my ‘I love you so much’ and there’s no way to prove who loves who more and therein lies the whole fucking problem. We’re never happy with how we’re loved. We complicate things. We make things difficult. We expect too much. We receive too little. We can’t accept that so we prod and push and ask for more and when we don’t get what we want, we question their love and affection because they don’t love us the way we love them. They don’t love us the way we were told they should. They don’t love us the way we want to be loved and we don’t believe anymore. We lose faith. We allow ourselves to be consumed by hatred, by anger, by desire, by greed, by anxiety, by insecurity and we give up even before we try. It really isn’t all that difficult to love. We just have to love unconditionally, love selflessly, love altruistically, love acceptingly. We just have to love them the way we can, the way we know how and allow them to love us the way they can, the way they know how. We just have to love loving them and love them loving us.

-eletheowl

And this is why, he makes me happy just as I am now. It's so much more simple, so much more 'like-the-past'.

I just hope it stays this way :D

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When I tell you that I’ll miss you, it doesn’t mean that I’ll never get over you. It just means I wish I didn’t have to.
-runawaytrain

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Of Education

I used to be very insistent on going to aussie for my degree. But after last sat at NUS's open house, i have no idea why i didn feel like going to aussie anymore. Maybe it was my aunt's brainwashing that i should do well and stay in NUS's hostel with clara. Maybe it was all the advantages the lecturers gave for a s'pore education. Maybe it was just me waking up to the huge sum of money needed for mummy and daddy to send me to aussie.

That being decided, i still have to think about what degree i want to pursue. medicine and dentistry seems so impossible. Double Degree in Biomed & TCM seems rather impossible too. Nursing? Biological Sciences? I really have no idea. Its kindda disturbing for my puny mind to think about so much when my grad is still 1 year away. I seriously have no idea what to do.

Of Relationships

"I’m not sure what to do about you. The feeling has never stopped. I’ve always wanted to be with you, and I’ve always had a thing for you. It fades in and out but never really goes away. I can sit in a room and stare at you, and enjoy myself. We talk, but really, you don’t have to say anything at all. I’ve always thought it would all just fall into place at the right time. I don’t understand you. Yet, being with you just makes sense to me."
-eletheowl

That probably sums up what i'm feeling now and what i've been feeling for the past months. The longer it drags, the more tired i am, the more insecure i get, the more weird things i will do and say. i think i am reaching that undesirable peak soon where i will start going downhill till i lose my heart. I don't want to reach that peak so soon, but i'm feeling really tired, i've teared till i've got no more tears. I no longer know what i can do. I no longer know what i want.

That aside, I'm still super glad for the people I have around me. There's loser who is always there to listen to my ultra nonsense, to make sure i don't think so much. Then i have eli and yuen to distract me when i need distraction. Then there is best partner and shan to disturb me when i need to escape from other things.

Of Outings & shopping

I really need another outing with them again!! The 3 of us have been spending like crazyy, esp eli and I. Have been buying online with them like madness wahaha.

Met elieli on Sunday for shopping at Orchard. 313 had nothing for us, except yummy food at Handburger! omg i want that lychee mint crush again! Finally got my Maybelline eyeliner and my white Cotton On shorts :D

Then there's the Sungei Buloh outing yest with some of the scholars. omg i was the mosquitoes feeding site ok!! coz i was wearing shorts, and i didn put mosquito repellent. hahaha. we saw spiders and monitor lizards upclose yucks :x and i didn expect myself to be quite close to amanda, and some of the junior scholars. then off we went to NUS Science canteen. met with elieli for lunch too! Raffles Musuem was omg disgusting and gave me the shivers. Real life dead animal species were horrifying, put in the aircon, i was trying to control the churning of my lunch. :x Rushed off to look for best partner and buddy at the bus stop, talked and caught my bus home, before going to dear's hse for photos.

I super need Debs to come back from tw sooon!! need someone to talk to me, control my spending!! hahas. and i realised that AE's bazaar is like next week, i thought it was this week! :( now i don't know if i should still go down next week. shall ask debs to go down with me in case eli and yuen aren't free.

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what a long post. shall go bathe and await dinner and AE launch :P

smiling is everything. that's not me

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